1) Your follicles are blocked! Your hairs are ready to pop right out, but your follicles are clogged. Buy our Magic Shampoo and wash the hairs back on your head.
2) You have poor circulation! What your scalp really needs is more blood. Then your hair can grow. Of course, even a bald scalp bleeds profusely when cut, but ignore this.
3) Your follicles are malnourished! Vitamins and nutritional supplements are not a cure for hair loss. Besides, there are plenty of bald guys at the health food stores.
4) It’s not from the U.S.! It’s from Europe! It’s from China! Well, then it must grow hair. The U.S.A. cured polio and put a man on the moon but – darn it! – we just can’t seem to keep up with the rest of the world and their marvelous hair loss cures.
5) It’s really old! It’s an ancient remedy. It’s so old we almost forgot about it. Suddenly, we remembered it!
6) Award winning formula! Oscar? Grammy? What award might this be? Scammy?
7) Anonymous testimonial! Our customer, J.R. tried it and J.R. thinks he sees more hairs in the mirror. Forget all those medical and research journals – If J.R. thinks he sees more hairs, it’s gotta be the cure for baldness!
8) Bugs! Bugs are eating your hair! The bug in question is a mite called Demodex Follicularum. Science has known about them since the 1840’s. They’re found in all adult humans in all hair follicles all over your body and yet hairs flourish all over your body, even in places you’d rather not have them.
9) Hypnotize yourself! The FDA finally shut this scam down years ago, but someone will try it again. Hypnosis might make you believe your hair is growing, but when I snap my fingers, you’re still bald.
10) True lies. Watch out. This one is particularly sneaky. They start off with a truthful, detailed explanation of hair loss that is so exquisite, you’ll buy anything they’re selling. They’ll transition seamlessly from the truth into the lie they offer. They may offer any of the above lies.